For a question of door handles (or how to manage disagreements in a couple)
One of our first areas of disagreement in the big chapter "home renovation" was the choice of 2 door handles. We hadn't had much to choose from yet because at the start of the major works, we were in "technical" and not decorative equipment, but there, we were installing 2 new doors and we needed handles... And choosing door handles like that, in front of the department store with lots of door handles, well, it's not easy. Especially since we still didn't really have an idea of what we would choose for the decor afterwards (colors of the walls, etc.). And casually, the handles can set the tone and already create an atmosphere.
In summary : everything I liked, he didn't like. Everything he liked, I didn't like.
But really ! He showed me one, I winced and said “!!?? It's the ugliest of them all! And vice versa.
I remembered that a friend confided in me of her distress because her husband did not accept that they had disagreements. So door handles are really not a substantive subject… when we don't agree on something concerning Boubou's education or an important project, it's more serious.
That said, this is an opportunity for me to try to analyze with you what enabled my couple to overcome this crisis of madness! (And I will read this list again when we have a more worrying disagreement 🙂 )
What to do when we disagree?
- Accept it. Telling me that he has the right to have different tastes in door handles, and that it doesn't change my deep esteem for him. (On the other hand, we took the shock and realized that the work was not going to be easy every day if this first small choice already posed such a big problem.)
- Let some time pass. In our case, don't buy the handles right away. We can often make whim choices, but now was not the time. So think, rethink things, imagine that the other can still have a good idea, project yourself, question yourself, put yourself in the other's place...
- Let go. Make up my mind that we might not be able to install the handles which I thought were really pretty, but that's how it is when you're in a relationship. I can't want it to be exactly “as I think, as I want, as I planned”. Is the subject of disagreement really worth arguing about? Wasting time and energy?
- Let one of the two choose. Yes, I don't think you should necessarily try to agree on everything all the time. Finally, he went back to the store, I said "choose" and he made a nice choice. Frankly. Finding myself in front of the department was too hard for me, but delegating this heavy responsibility to my man freed me. And suddenly, no need to agree. (And then of course, they were only door handles… not capital or vital as a choice.)
I specify that he would have easily let me choose as well, and I would have made sure to take something that is not the opposite of his tastes. In any case, we got out of the “compromise” system where we try to find together what we both like. Sometimes that's not possible. You need one that slices.
What if I was convinced that my handle was the best? He would have had to be convinced with gentleness and love. Feasible. 😉
Whatever the subject of the disagreement, I have the impression that this miracle recipe in 3 ingredients works quite well: time, letting go, calm discussion. Not wanting to settle the thing on the spot, taking the time to re-reflect on my point of view will allow me to let go of ballast, to try to better understand his vision, etc. And we can discuss the subject that annoys more calmly.
And yes, yes, very often, he is right, I ADMIT. (But sometimes it's me. 🙂 )
All rights reserved
A couple that lasts